My Memories A Kingdom Hearts fanfic
by katzuki666
Summary: Something begins to change between Axel and Roxas. Neither of them can't describe what's dwelling inside them but time will tell, and they will form memories of their own, within the castle's walls there lies the strongest bond of them all.
1. The beginning

**My Memories**

A Kingdom Hearts Yaoi

AxelXRoxas.

Don't you ever ''feel'' like the person you care about the most is slipping away from you?...

When I asked Axel if he had something he wanted to protect more than anything, he looked at me and smiled. I saw a glimpse of sadness in his eyes. Sadness? I thought, how could his eyes proyect such a thing when he doesn't have a heart?...

The sun was shinning and dawn was falling over the clock tower in Twilight Town. The wind itself burshed against us, sitting there. Another day without Xion. Axel laughed. '' How would I know, I don't have anything like that'' he said. ''we don't have hearts,… right?''. ''I know for sure, that It'd be scary to lose you guys'' I said while staring at that melting seasalt ice cream in front of me. ''Scary? How can something be scary when you can't feel?'' –''I don't know.. it's a scary thought''. ''Oh, so it's just a thought then.. not a feeling''. Axel replied looking away and a bit disappointed. On that afternoon, when the sun looked red with a mix of orange and yellow… That's when it all started.

* * *

><p>Back in the castle there was still no sign of Xion anywhere, but what worried me the most was Axel's attitude. He started avoiding my eyes when we talked and he didn't have the time to chat with me for long.<p>

I sat at the edge of my bed, looking outside the window. 'Kingdom Hearts'.. there it was, the huge heart-shaped moon-like object, floating in the sky. If it weren't for me and Xion, that thing wouldn't be there in the first place, we wouldn't be one step closer in getting our hearts. What do we need them for anyway? These thoughts of mine are so similar to feelings… I'm scared to lose my friends, I'm scared to lose Axel… What if these thoughts I have are actually feelings? How can any of those Nobodies say otherwise? They don't know what having a heart feels like, what if they are just ignoring the heart they have inside and mistaking it for foolish thoughts?... A knock on the door brought me back to reality. It was Axel.

-'' Yo Roxas, feeling okay today? Saïx was wondering where you were''.

-''Oh yes, I'm sorry. I just have a lot of things on my mind.''

-'' Well, hurry. There's another mission for us today. It seems we're going to that new World you were sent before.''

-''I'll be down in a sec then.''

Axel smirked and closed the door. I could hear his steps, walking away. For some reason, the thought of losing Xion scared me but compared to the thought of losing Axel it was nothing.

''About time.'' Saïx said as soon as I walked in. ''You two will be going to Halloween Town and get more clues about the beings that live there, understood? Face the heartless that come your way Roxas, we need their hearts''.Without a Word, the portal was opened and Axel and I walked in.

On the other side, neither of us said much. We looked around for a bit. What was I supposed to say to him? Our conversations had turned so awkward during the last couple of days. I couldn't bear this any longer. ''Hey, we should get going, shouldn't we? I think I saw a walking skeleton back there''. Axel said interrupting my thoughts and disrupting the awkward silence between us. ''Oh yeah, that guy. It seems he's always thinking and walking around. He also has a ghost dog that can smell heartless.''

-''Really? Sounds useful''. And after those lines and one last smirk, Axel looked at me. I looked back only to find his gaze lost somewhere in me, like if he were looking at my very soul. I blushed and looked away. ''A-anyway, let's get moving.''

We got to the center of Halloween Town's plaza, encountered a few heartless and beat them up. Followed Jack around and found out he was trying to prepare for Halloween itself. We explored the cementery and even saw those kids wearing their hideous masks throwing bombs at anyone that crossed their path; but none of these things made me feel any better. There was something in my mind that was telling me to realize that something was changing between Axel and me.

''So kiddo, we're done or what? Shouldn't we RTC? I can't wait to take a nap.''

-''Nap? Aren't we going for an ice cream like we always do?'' I said.

-''Oh yeah, the ice cream, sorry… my bad''.

We passed through the portal and got to Twilight Town as soon as we were completely done with out mission. We bought the ice cream and went to our spot. The top of the Clock Tower.

The sun was as reddish as always, with the everlasting mix of orange and yellow in the sky. Like before, neither of us said something, we just ate our ice cream, looking at the sky. Lost in our own thoughts…

-''Axel…'' I whispered, hoping my weak voice would reach his ears somehow.

-''Yeah?''

-'' Don't you feel … something's changing …between us?''

Silence. There was no answer. I was so afraid to look at Axel at this point. What if he hated me? What if he was tired of me? How would that even possible?I mean, we don't have hearts right?... right? Despite my hesitation, I looked at him, only to find his gaze fixed on me once again. I blushed but I did not look away.

-''What if, something has really changed Roxas?'' …''What if you are no longer the random friend you were to me before..''

I stood up, I couldn't take this any longer.

-'' What do you mean Axel? Am I that bothersome to you? Is that what I am? A bother?''

Axel looked at me with pain in his eyes. Pain? I'm speaking about emotions as if I knew what they are.

I ran away after this. I didn't want to hear Axel's reply. The hole in my chest, where nothing was supposed to be, started to hurt. To hurt deeply.


	2. It's Changing

**My Memories **

**Chapter 2**

A Kingdom Hearts Yaoi

AxelXRoxas.

Lying in bed, once again I thought about my purpose. What was I doing in this place? How did I even end up in this castle? I just couldn't care anymore. What was I really doing? It's true that we were trying to get a heart, but… do I really need it? What for?

-We might not be Experts on that topic but I think that once we get them, then we will be able to have a say. Know what they are like-

Axe's words popped into my thoughts. I rolled around to the other side of the bed. I hadn't talked to him since that time at the top of the Clock Tower. Perhaps he was on a secret mission and maybe that's why I hadn't seen him around. Perhaps he was avoiding me… no. I shaked these thoughts away and sighed.

I stood up since it was time to go downstairs and meet Saïx. ''Another day of hard work'' I whispered and looked at Kingdom Hearts and it's dim light in the sky.

Saïx, as always, was expecting me and Demyx was by his side. ''You will be going to Olympus Coliseum with Demyx today, Eliminate the heartless and collect their hearts''

I looked at Demyx, he didn't seem too excited about this. ''Any questions, Roxas?'' Saïx asked. ''No'' I replied without looking at him. ''I'm ready to go''

Saïx opened the portal and we both went through.

* * *

><p>On the other side, the sun was shinning brightly over our heads and the huge statues standing beside the Entrance to the coliseum were as impressive as ever. -We might find some heartless inside the coliseum- I thought and then turned back to Demyx. ''Follow me Demyx, we will find the heartless we're looking for inside''.<p>

-'' What? But aren't we supposed to act like.. ninjas or something? How are you planning on getting inside without being seen?''.

-''Don't worry about me. We'll make them believe the same thing about you and just say you're another aspiring rookie Hero''.

-'' Me? Hero? Oh no, I think you're getting the wrong idea.. Hey, Why don't you go inside and take care of the heartless there while I handle the ones out here?''.

I looked at him. Did he think I was stupid or something? I could see by a mile that he was planning on resting while I did all the hard work.

-''Come on, we'll attack them from both sides this way and cover more ground!'' Demyx insisted. I sighed. I didn't have the will, energy or time to argue with this sitar head guy.

-'' Okay, do as you wish''. I said and entered the Coliseum. Leaving him behind.

Phil was nowhere to be found but I heard some noises in the arena so I decided to check it out. When I got there I saw this huge guy training with Phil by his side, giving him orders and encouraging him to do things even better. Demyx appeared behind me. ''Wow, that's intense''.

-''Why are you here? Are you done with the heartless out there?'' I asked.

-'' Oh yeah, the heartless. Yeah no problem.''.

With a few words Demyx disappeared and returned to the Entrance. I went back to the hall and Phil followed me from behind.

''Hey, there's my Rookie. Are you ready to train?''. Phil said with a lot of energy.

''Yes.''

''Well, let's get going then. What are you waiting for!''…

I fought the heartless in the arena, throwing barrels at them. No matter how many I killed they kept coming back and the barrels weren't enough. I wasn't Fast enough. ''What are you doing Rookie! You're such a slowpoke today!''

I stopped fighting and just stood there breathing heavily, replaying all the scenes and the converstation with Axel the day before. The hole in my heart was starting to hurt once again and I was about to get on my knees when Phil screamed. '' What? About to give up? You didn't even give a fight you fool! What's wrong with you!''

I could listen to his words, everything was blurry in front of me, I kept panting.

''You can't give up without a fight you coward!''

And then I snapped out of it. Phil was right. Everything was moving in slow montion in front of me now. I was running from the fight just as I had run from Axel at that time. His face, still image in my head. Damn was I being stupid.

With an energetic 'arghh' I smashed the heartless in front of me and finished the training quickly. I let out the energy inside me and all the stress that had been stored. It felt good.

''The end was good rookie. You got the last bit of strength that was inside you to finish and give the last blow.''

The real fight was still yet ahead of me.

''Come on. You did real well and whatever's troubling that little head of yours you gotta deal with it the same way. Understood? Mental training is necessary too!''

''Thanks Phil''

''No worries, just come back for more training when you're ready rookie.''

I left the colliseum and met Demyx outside, together we returned to the clastle.

* * *

><p>''Looking forward to be paired with you again Roxas'' Demyx said with a grin on his face and walked away. It was a bit early, but I was still missing my ice cream of the day so I walked back through the Black portal to Twilight Town.<p>

-I bet Axel hasn't finished his mission, and Xion's nowhere to be seen too. It's better this way, I have the place to myself to think- at least that's what I thought at that time but when I got to the Clock Tower Axel was about to leave. We bumped into each other.

''Axel''

...

''Oh, Hey there Roxas. Didn't expect you here this early..''

''Well, yeah. Finished my mission already… are you leaving?''

''Yes, actually.. thought I'd RTC before you got here but it seems I took a bit too long..''

Axel had wanted to leave before I showed up? I clenched my fists. Axel must've noticed the hurt expression on my face because he rubbed his head and chuckled. ''Hey, Roxas, don't take this personally but it'd be best if we take a time from each other.''

''Why?'' I asked, not looking at him. ''Why would you want to take some time Axel, we're … friends.. right?''

Axel sighed. ''Yes.. I suppose that's the correct term..''

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. First, Xion disappeared and now this.

…''But the thing is some part inside me doesn't want to be friends with you, like that, not anymore. Look, you wouldn't be able to understand''…

Staring at his eyes this time I trembled. ''TRY ME''.

This.. feeling? I was getting for the first time was overwhelming, the hole in my chest hurt once and yet again.

Axel took a step forward and grabbed my arm firmly with one of his hands.

''Listen to me Roxas, listen carefully cause I won't say it twice.'' He looked into my eyes with his intense stare, leaned and whispered in my ear''

''I don't want to be friends with you Roxas.''

I pulled back, jerked my arm out of his firm grip but my efforts were useless, he used his other hand to grab my opposite arm.

''Let me go Axel! It's clear you don't want me around so let me go and end this for once and for all!'' I shouted, shutting my eyes. About to burst.

''Roxas''

''It's clear you always had the intention to do this. Why would you hang out with us so much then? You're such a bastard, stay away from me!''

..''Roxas''..

I heard him calling my name while I raged, I knew this would end badly so I didn't want to listen to what he had to say. Yet, something about his voice made me want to look at him once last time, so I did. I opened my eyes and saw him smiling. What?

He grabbed my other arm and pulled me as hard as he could just to meet my lips with his. I couldn't believe what was happening. All my senses were going nuts in confusion. W-was he kissing me? Is this what they called –a kiss-?Didn't he want to stop being friends? Why was he doing this? Only copules and people who loved each other kissed right? That's what he had told me but I… I didn't understand a thing now.

He broke the kiss and looked at my lips. He chuckled, released my arms and took a few steps backwards. I was too shocked to say something so without saying a word he disappeared behind the Clock Tower, leaving me there, alone and standing still, trying to gather my thoughts to fully understand what had happened.

I gasped and turned around just to find no one there. Kept thinking, looking into the sunset. I remembered that afternoon when we talked about 'Love'. He had told me love was not only for close people but there was a special kind of love, only for the person who mattered the most to you. Love like the one Belle and the Beast shared. Love between a man and a woman. After that convo with Axel I had always thought of love and Xion at the same time even though I didn't feel a thing but now, I couldn't help but wonder if Axel loved me. He didn't have a heart, how could he. Would it even be possible? We were both men.. and Nobodies at that.

I sat down, let out a sigh and stared at the orange sky. Axel had said something had changed inside him… Now I was starting to feel the same.


End file.
